Shalom:
Regarding Rabbi Judith's questions put to us, below: The Tanach, the Chumash especially, and the Talmud, records humans as we are, with our foibles. It shows sibling rivalry, sometimes leading to death right in the first few pages, and sometimes leading to enslavement. It shows jealousy among wives and parents showing favoritism among children. It shows folks with defects of character, and the Talmud, knowing that some folks just are not going to be able to get rid of such defects, actually tells those to at least go sin in another city where no one knows them. (Moed Kattan 17a)
Anything less would not give us the reason to follow the way of life set forth for us in the Torah or Rabbinically in the Talmud. Anything less would not ring true. Isn't it wonderful to know that Moses was short tempered, a murderer, someone who was so obsessed with his work, he forgot to circumcise his own sons, had his own detractors, and was banned from crossing the Jordan! Only God is perfect, and even our Tanach shows Him growing and learning. It only detracts from those who wish to use our texts as documents to show us as a flawed people. Humans have flaws. Jews have no more or no less than others. We just wanted to do something about it to lessen the pain of our flaws and find a way out from them.
While there are certainly ripe Yiddish curses that I learned as a child, I do not think this is part of the teachings of Talmudic Judaism. Even Baalam who was commanded by his king to curse us, was told by God, not to, as we are blessed by God. It is a much better way to live when someone offends us, to pray for them, rather than curse them, as we are truly taught not to hate or hold a grudge, but to love. But if you insist :Hindert hayzer zol er hobn, in yeder hoyz a hindert tsimern, in yeder tsimer tsvonsik betn un kadukhes zol im varfn fin eyn bet in der tsveyter.***
While women had more rights in Talmudic or even Hebraic society than those women living in cultures around them, a man still made the decision on divorce, and in no grounds were needed. As long as the man paid the 'going away price' as outlined in the women's ketubah, which she held, there was no contest. For every wife with a foul mouth, there is usually a husband with one as well, if not an closed fist. Things do not happen in a vacuum in families. And a wife cursing a parent or grandparent as a grounds for divorce, shows that there was already enough animus in the relationship to warrant one already. Remember to, that the penalty, in the Torah, for cursing one's parents, is death. Usually when a spouse lashes out at an in-law, the spouse is usually angry at his or her own spouse and just can't express that assertively. Discord in a marriage with taunts and cursing is never good, but however, if its channeled properly, to find out what the true issues are, and those are discussed and worked out, the marriage, in many cases is salvageable.
Is one's curse about one's in-laws worthy of the dissolution of a marriage? Of course not. The rabbis in the Talmud say some of the wildest things, and they all get recorded. ' Ten measures of talk came into the world; women claimed nine, leaving the tenth to the rest of the world.' (Kiddushin 49b.) So the rabbis already 'know or admit' women have loose tongues, then why punish them for it? What is the actual reality vis a vis Jewish divorce?
The patent unfairness in a woman's ability to divorce her husband is right up there in the list of complaints about Judaism. The fact that Judaism 'invented' divorce is not mentioned nor is the fact that Roman Catholic women can never get divorced. Rather than seeing the positive aspects, secularists look only to tear down. There is a flip side to the situation. Only a man may marry a woman. Both the marriage and divorce are contractual agreements specified in the Torah. Both are given as the man's responsibility. Unlike American law where we find a "party of the first part" and a "party of the second part", Jewish law has a one party contractual system. This is true across the board. Both marriage and divorce are business deals, contracted and witnessed. Just as only the man contracts with his wife for her hand in marriage, so too, only the man who made the original contract may undo it. Additionally, a woman has recourse to Bet Din, which can literally force a man to divorce his wife if she so desires.
This recourse was one of the famous Takanot (decrees) of Rabbeinu Gershom. The historical underpinnings of this Takana are fascinating. From the giving of the Torah through the time of Rabbeinu Gershom, a period of 2,300 years, there existed a central authority in Judaism. The power of this authority was all-inclusive. We were often given self-governing powers in other countries. With the weight of Jewish law governing all their actions the Jewish people achieved a level of righteousness unheard of before or since. No man would dream of divorcing his wife against her will. No man would dream of forcing his wife to remain married to him if she desired to leave. When the central authority ceased to exist at the time of the Persian conquest of Babylon and the center of Judaism transferred to Europe the level of righteousness fell off. This phenomenon is noted in the change of the various Responsa of the period. Rabbeinu Gershom seized the moment to promulgate several laws for the sake of Shalom Byat. Amongst them, he decreed that a man may not divorce his wife against her will...regardless of what kind of tongue she had.
Have a joyous Shabbat,
Arthur Segal
***"A hundred houses shall he have, in every house a hundred rooms and in every room twenty beds, and a delirious fever should drive him from bed to bed."
Discussion Questions
1. The Tanach and the Talmud are=20
unflinchingly honest about family life. Why do=20
you think this was the editorial choice of=20
preference? How does it enrich these documents?=20
Does it detract from them? If so, how does it?
2. Jews of a long and lusty history of=20
cursing. One particularly thinks of such Yiddish=20
curses as, "You should grow like an onion with=20
your head in the ground!" Are there some=20
creative curses that show special =E9lan? Please=20
share them.
3. Seriously, what kind of impact does such=20
discord have on a family? Is it worthy of the=20
dissolution of a marriage?
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