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PARASHA TOLEDOT
GENESIS 25:19-28:09
RABBI ARTHUR SEGAL
"We Are Family; Come on Everybody, Let's Sing"
SYNOPTIC ABSTRACT:
Rebecca and Isaac give birth to two sons, Jacob and Esau. Esau sells
Jacob his birthright for some bean chili. Isaac moves to Philistia due to
famine. King Abimelech desires Rebecca. Isaac reopens the wells that
Abraham dug that the Philistines then closed. Esau marries two Hittite
women. Isaac decides to bless Esau, but Rebecca schemes with Jacob to
have Jacob blessed instead. Esau now hates Isaac and swears to kill him.
Jacob flees to his uncle Laban's home. Esau marries for a third time. He
chooses Ishmael's daughter. For an in-depth view of the Torah's "Family
Feud," please read on.
Our parasha (Torah portion) deals with different people's various needs.
Many times these people think that their needs conflict with others'
needs. Some of our characters in the parasha deal with these needs
assertively and may appear therefore to be "needy." Most of them,
however, use manipulation and deceit. They refuse to admit their needs.
This makes them appear on the outside to be "strong" when in reality
they are the weak. Their lack of assertiveness leads them to sin and
dysfunction which, as we will read in later chapters of the Bible, has
disastrous effects on our people's history.
Our parasha's two main characters begin to show their different needs
while in their mother's womb. Rebecca felt Esau and Jacob "agitated
within her"(Gen. 25:22). God told her that "two nations" were inside of
her, and that the "elder shall serve the younger"(Gen. 25:23).
Note that the text says that "God said to her"(Gen. 25:23). Rebecca has a need not
to displease Isaac. Therefore, the Midrash says, she kept this news from
Isaac. As we will read at the end of this parasha, because Rebecca did
not tell Isaac what God told her about their sons, Isaac is never able to
imagine Esau as not being equal to the task of receiving his birthright.
Rebecca cannot vocalize her fears of being abandoned by Isaac, because
she is afraid that he will assume that she is a sinner for having
warring twins in her womb ( as posited by the Maharal--Rabbi Yehudah
Loewe of 16th-century Prague). She has to conspire later to steal Esau's
birthright and give it to Jacob. From the moment Rebecca finds out about
what is growing in her womb, and decides not to tell Isaac, her
relationship with her husband becomes one of deceit.
Isaac's favorite son is Esau. Rebecca's favorite son is Jacob. What if
Rebecca, who was brought to Isaac when she was three years old, was able
to say that she had to be honest with her husband and tell him what God
told her, but was afraid to because she had fears of abandonment?
We know Isaac's history. Isaac saw firsthand how his father Abraham abandoned
Hagar and Ishmael, his half-brother. Isaac saw how Abraham was ready to
take Isaac's own life. If Rebecca was living in a society that allowed
her to voice her fears, do we think tender Isaac would have scoffed at
her and rejected her?
Jacob and Esau were contenders at birth, each with different needs and
personalities. Jacob spent time in "tents" (Gen. 25:27) which the Midrash
interprets as "schools." Esau loved hunting. Jacob, their father loved
Esau, because Esau brought Isaac fresh "game for his mouth, but Rebecca
loved Jacob" (Gen. 25:28).
The Torah records that when Jacob was cooking
a red stew of lentils, Esau came in from the field and demanded some.
Jacob said he would give him some chili if Esau would sell Jacob his
birthright. Esau agreed, as he thought he was "going to die"(Gen. 25:32).
The Talmud in Tractate Bava Batra 16B says that Jacob was cooking this
stew as it was the shiva meal to comfort his father Isaac, who just
buried Abraham. Ramban (Nachmanides of 13th-century Spain) says that Esau
thought his life was almost over, as he had a hunting accident that day.
These two brothers did not communicate well. Isaac wanted nothing to do
with Esau's hunting. Esau wanted nothing to do with Isaac's studying. If
they spoke assertively to each other about their likes and dislikes , as
well as their strengths and weaknesses, an arrangement might have been
reached. Two of Jacob's sons, years later, reached such an agreement.
Zebulun agrees to be a merchant seaman, allowing Issachar to remain home
and study.
Does it not seem reasonable that Jacob could have accepted the spiritual
birthright of Isaac, while Esau accepted the material birthright? Could
not a sharing have taken place? The Torah paints Esau literally red and
calls him Edom (red in Hebrew). The sages paint Esau bloody red and say
he is pure evil. But the Torah does not say this. Isaac loved Esau. Could
Esau have been all that bad? Was Isaac, the son of Abraham, such a
glutton that he would overlook evil in his own tent just for a meal of
meat? Of course not. Hence we have another situation where two people
did not express their needs to each other, and instead of relating to
each other as people, they related to each other as objects.
Some time later, Isaac has dealings with the Philistine king, Abimelech.
This is the same king with whom Abraham made a treaty. Abraham was given
permission to dig wells in Philistia. Isaac goes to Philistia, as there
is a famine in Canaan. During this time, Isaac became "great and kept
becoming greater until he was very great" (Gen. 26:13). "The Philistines
envied him"(Gen. 26: 14). Instead of the Philistines discussing their
concerns with Isaac, they aggressively clog up the wells. Isaac digs two
new wells, but the Philistines protest and say "the water is ours"(Gen.
26:20). Isaac names these two wells, "contention" (Esek) and enmity
(Sitnah). Isaac digs a third well, which they do not contest. Isaac calls
this well "Rehoboth" (Gen. 26:22). Rehoboth means "spaciousness."
Both Isaac and Abimelech are powerful men, yet they toy with each other
like children in a kindergarten sand box. If Abimelech had said to Isaac
that he was envious of Isaac's wealth and wanted to learn Isaac's herding
secrets, would not have Isaac shared them with Abimelech? If Abraham was
able to work out a treaty with Abimelech, could not have Isaac also? Here
is a case of another two people who have it-it relationships. Abimelech
sees Isaac only as a potential commercial threat. Isaac sees Abimelech
only as a land owner that he will use until the famine in Canaan is
ended. Both of their tribes could have worked out a mutually beneficial
commercial agreement, just as the descendents of Isaac, the children of
Israel, will hopefully soon be able to work out with the nominal
descendents of the Philistines.
The parasha's denouement comes with Rebecca's scheme to deceive her
husband, Isaac, and steal from Esau. Again, instead of having an honest
talk with her husband about her needs, she plots for Jacob to dress up
as Esau and steal Esau's blessing from blinded Isaac. The ruse works,
but only for a few moments. Esau and Isaac uncover the plot too late.
Esau swears that he will kill Jacob (Gen. 27:41). Jacob escapes to his
uncle Laban's home. Years of two brothers and two spouses not being able
to talk, share, or express their needs, boils over into an ugly scene.
The ramifications are enormous.
As we will read next week, Laban also treats Jacob like an object. He
tricks Jacob into marrying Leah when Jacob wants Rachel. Years later,
Jacob favors Rachel's son Joseph over Leah's sons, who are older than
Joseph. What happens? Joseph is sold into slavery in Egypt. Jacob and his
other sons travel to Egypt and stay there because Joseph is Viceroy.
Within a generation or so, the Children of Jacob become slaves in Egypt.
The Talmud says this is why we say on Passover that an "Aramean (Laban)
sought to kill our father." The rabbis blame Laban for the switching of
his daughters. They blame Laban for the aftermath of Joseph becoming the
favorite son, causing the eventual slavery in Egypt.
I posit that the blame goes back further. If Rebecca lived in an
atmosphere were she felt she could express her need of wanting
reassurance of her bond with Isaac, she could have spoken with Isaac
honestly. She could tell Isaac that God told her about the warring twins
in her womb, without Isaac abandoning her. They would have been able, as
two parents working as a communicating team, to raise Jacob and Esau in
such a way so that each of these sons would have had their needs met. If
they were loving brothers, able to feel love equally from each parent,
Jacob would have been glad to offer Esau some lunch without the fee of
the birthright. Esau would have acknowledged his skills and weakness, and
accepted Isaac as the spiritual leader. Isaac could have accepted Esau as
the commercial leader. There would have been no need to for Jacob to
steal Esau's blessing. There would have been no need for Jacob to run to
uncle Laban. There would have been no need for Jacob and his sons to go
down to Egypt where they end up as slaves. Jacob's descendants and the
Philistines possible descendants, who are called Palestinians, could have lived
together in peace in the Middle East, and not be taking up so much
headline space today. But as the Yiddish saying teaches, "if my bubbie
had a moustache, she would be my zadie."
Too many vulnerable Jews in too many areas of the world hesitate to look
at their temples to assist them in their hour of need. No amount of
resolutions or statements can change this reality. Only action can. Every
one of us is vulnerable at one time or another. Everyone of us will have
an hour of need. We are supposed to emulate God. God clothed naked Adam
and Eve. He consoled Hagar, Sarah, and so many others. He fed the
Israelites manna, and even quail, in the wilderness of Sinai. God buried
Moses.
Abraham does acts of loving kindness continually. He never said that his
nephew Lot was "needy." Abraham even interrupted his conversation with
God Almighty to "run" in the "heat of the day" to take care of the needs
of three strangers. He did not even let his pain from his recent
circumcision slow him. When we call someone "needy" we are really saying
that we are too involved with our own lives to take the time to tend to
this person's needs. It is easy to help someone with a simple need that
we can handle with a quick phone call. Afterward, we can feel so
self-important that we did a mitzvah. But the real mitzvah is developing
an I-Thou relationship with someone in need. It is easy to do good deeds
for strangers. There is no emotional expense involved. It is having a
temporary, I-it relationship. It is only a step away from checkbook
Judaism.
Martin Buber discussed his theory of relationships in his book "I-Thou."
I-Thou relationships are the mutual relationships of love and caring. It
is the type of relationship that we should strive for with God and with
loved ones. Buber acknowledges that most people have to struggle to
master I-Thou relationships with spouses and family members. Most of the
world relates to each other as objects, which Buber calls I-It
relationships. New writers have called this Win-Loose relations, while
I-Thou relations have been called Win-Win. In transactional therapeutic
terms an I-Thou relationship is defined as Adult-Adult or "I'm Ok. You're
Ok."
Stanford University psychiatrist Dr. David Spiegel has done research on
the difference that sincere social support can make on living with
illness. Dr. Spiegel created psychosocial support groups for women with
metastatic breast cancer. All of the women eventually died, as their
cancers were aggressive. But the women who had attended the support
groups lived twice as long as the women who did not attend the groups.
Caring I-Thou relationships can save lives.
Each Shabbat, we pray to God to give us or someone we know "healing of
body and renewal of spirit." We know that "God helps those that help
themselves." We have the power in our Temples to transform people's
well-being. Studies have shown how frequent attendance at religious
services, where there is true fellowship, was linked to greater health in
people with diseases ranging from cardiovascular problems to cancers.
Another study showed that true Spritituality cut blood pressure, even
in men who smoke cigarettes.
Dr. Herbert Benson in his book "The Relaxation Response," determined that
meditation evokes a state of relaxation in the body. It affects
respiration, heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension and brain
function. Other studies have shown that meditation in a group is more
effective that meditation alone. Other studies have shown that communal
prayer, with what we, in Judaism, call kavenah (concentrated attention)
produces a similar effect. All of these studies also show that
individuals in these groups must relate to each other openly and
lovingly. If there is no sense of security, one cannot achieve the
relaxation response in meditation, or kavenah in prayer.
Psychiatrist Victor Frankel writes about the importance of meaning in our
lives. Other philosophers write about how connections in our lives give
it meaning. When we feel connected to the Godhead, in a state of
spirituality, we do not feel alone. When we feel connected to a group,
like fellow congregants in our temples, we achieve an enhanced ability to
cope and to heal. Wellness can be maintained when one feels connected to
something larger that oneself, writes Rabbi Amy Eilberg, whose ideas are
sprinkled throughout this D'var Torah. When we feel connected to a loving
community, to truth, to history, and to God, our needs and fears seem
smaller.
Religion may act as a placebo but we should not negate the power of a
placebo or the power of the mind to heal. Dr. Kevin Pauza and others have
shown that merely believing a treatment will work helps alleviate an
array of symptoms. Patients with back pain were told they needed back
surgery. Half had the surgery under anesthesia. The other half, were
anesthetized, but just had the incision made in their back and did not
have the surgery. Yet both groups were told they did have the back
surgery. Thirty percent of the patients who had the placebo surgery got
better. Our convictions that we are connected to Jewish people presently
and throughout history really may strengthen us.
Judaism presently has a rich armamentarium of resources to strengthen our
spirit when life brings us challenges. The soothing words of the Psalms
are an excellent example. Rituals such as Tashlich (casting our sins upon
the water in the form of bread on Rosh Hashanah), Shabbat candle
lighting, and doing mitzvah are ways that we can symbolically cast away
unhealthy habits, look for sources of light and hope, and help those
that have needs greater than ours. The sages knew that visiting the ill
(bikur cholem) can make a difference in another's experience of illness.
But the sages said that the visitor brings his own experiences to the ill
person. The visitor has to open up and bring his own hopes and fears, as
well as 100% of his capacity for love and compassion in order to make a
difference.
Many congregations presently have healing services. Some congregations
actively visit people in hospitals. One congregation, Beth Shalom in San
Francisco, adopted a local hospital and sends volunteers regularly. But
our temples can do much more. We can actually prevent illness. In their
book, "Successful Aging," Drs. John Rowe and Robert Kahn state that
socially-connected people live longer and are sick less often. They say
that connections mean sincere I-Thou relationships. People without strong
connections to groups, such as synagogues, were four to six times more
apt to die, regardless of race, wealth, activity or healthcare. True love
helps prevent pain and illness. People who said they did not get displays
of affection from their friends were 20 times more likely to develop
chest pain than those people who had friends that demonstrated affection
and caring.
"All Israel is responsible for one another," the rabbis teach. As our
Torah portion's title suggests, we are all the "offspring" (toledot) of
God. We are all family. All of us have needs. Expressing these needs and
having others listen to them is healthy for both the listener and the
speaker. It reminds us that we are connected. It gives us all a chance
to do mitzvoth to help each other as well as reminds us that we are part
of a community that will help us when our time of need arrives.
Disregarding someone in their time of need is something we cannot imagine
Abraham doing. It is a core value of Judaism to help those in need. Some
of these needs seem enormous, others much smaller. None of us is immune
to having needs. The aim of our religion and our temples is to allow
people to expand their relationships and grow emotionally and
spiritually. Our synagogues can be true sanctuaries from life's travails.
Our Haftorah this week is from the Book of Malachi. A few verse after
this portion, the prophet writes: "Have we all not one father? Hath not
one God created us all? Why do we deal treacherously every man against
his brother, profaning the covenant of our fathers?" (Mal. 2:10).
Certainly our congregations are far from being a place like Malachi
describes. We are blessed to have a congregations the world over that are
caring and compassionate. We are blessed to have rabbis leading us in
this righteous path. If yours is lacking, lead the way. The Mishna tells us, that ''in a place
where there are no leaders, be a leader''. Let us strive to continue this good work and even
perhaps do better. As we do Tikkun Olam (repair of the world), we will
hopefully come to the day, as Malachi says (3:12), when "all nations
shall call us 'happy;' for we shall be a delightful land."
Shabbat Shalom,
RABBI ARTHUR L. SEGAL
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