RABBI ARTHUR SEGAL:JEWISH RENEWAL:JEWISH SPIRITUAL RENEWAL:I-THOU RELATIONSHIPS

RABBI ARTHUR SEGAL:JEWISH RENEWAL:JEWISH SPIRITUAL RENEWAL:I-THOU RELATIONSHIPS

 

Jewish Spiritual Renewal:Torah,TaNaK,Talmud:Shabbat 11/29/08 Hebrew College, MA

 

Shalom once again Talmudim v' Chaverim:

 

We have an interesting Parasha this coming Shabbat and I urge you to read it and the D'var Torah below even though some of you may feel you are too busy with family with the long American Thanksgiving weekend. The Parasha is about family and familial relations, the kinds we do not want to have. So you may even want to master its teachings before the door bell starts ringing.

 

A pusuk of Torah: Gen:27:41: ''So Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing that his father had given him. Esau said to himself, "The time to mourn for my father is near. Then I'll kill my brother Jacob." ''

 

A pusuk of TaNaK: Mal: 2:10: ''Have we not all one father? has not one God created us? why do we deal treacherously every man against his brother, by profaning the covenant of our fathers?''

 

Another pusuk of TaNaK : Jer. 9:4 : "Let everyone be on guard against his neighbor, And do not trust any brother; Because every brother deals craftily, And every neighbor goes about as a slanderer.''

 

When you read the parasha and the d'var Torah below, can we decide if are we having I-Thou relationship with all of our fellow humans which whom we come in contact , or are we just having I-Thou relations with those we like the best, and at times that are convenient for us? Have we let go of loshan ha ra (gossiping), jealousy, and holding grudges? And we getting along with our own family, yet?

 

So from the Talmud to tie this up: Talmud Bavli Tractate Beracoth 54b- 55a '' that sitting for extended periods by the dinner table is one of the actions that can lengthen a person's life.'' How does eating leisurely increase your life? The sages say that a poor person may come by and you can invite them in to share your meal, and doing mitzvoth prolongs life.

 

 The Talmud goes on to say that since the Temple is destroyed, that in the Jewish home the dinner table replaces the altar and atones for our defects of character. How? Even better than the Temple's altar. We do beracoth of thanksgiving before and after we eat, and we make sure that our conversations at our table are not secular, but revolve about the study of Torah, TaNaK and Talmud.

 

But more importantly, when we sit and eat leisurely with friends and family, sitting at the table enjoying a meal, it is a gratifying and satisfying experience. This emotional pleasure also translates into physical well-being that may lead to long life. But before we can do this, we must make sure we have good relationships, honest, loving, I-Thou relationships, with our friends and family.

 

Shabbat Shalom:

Happy Rosh Kodesh and Happy Thanksgiving!

Rabbi Arthur Segal
Hebrew College, Newton Centre, MA, USA
Via Shamash Org on-line class service
Jewish Renewal
Jewish Spiritual Renewal
Hilton Head Island, SC;Bluffton, SC, Savannah, GA

 

Parasha Toledot:

Genesis 25:19-28:09

Rabbi Arthur Segal
Hebrew College, Newton Centre, MA, USA
Via Shamash Org on-line class service
Jewish Renewal
Jewish Spiritual Renewal
Hilton Head Island, SC;Bluffton, SC, Savannah, GA

"We Are Family; Get up Ev'rybody and Sing"

Parasha Toledot deals with different people's various needs. We often find that our needs conflict with others' needs. Some characters in this parasha deal with their needs assertively and therefore appear "needy." Most of them, however, use manipulation and deceit, refusing to admit their needs. This makes them appear strong on the outside when in reality they are the weak. Their lack of assertiveness leads them to sin and dysfunction, which, as we will read in later chapters of the Bible, has disastrous effects on our people's history.

Two main characters begin to show their different needs while in their mother's womb. Rebecca felt Esau and Jacob "agitated within her" (Gen. 25:22). God told her that she had "two nations" inside of her, and that the "elder shall serve the younger" (Gen. 25:23).

Note that the text says: "God said to her." (Gen. 25:23). Rebecca has a need to avoid displeasing Isaac so, according to the Midrash, she kept this news from him. As we will read at the end of this parasha, because Rebecca did not tell Isaac what God had revealed to her about their sons, Isaac is never able to imagine Esau as not being equal to the task of receiving his birthright.

Rebecca does not vocalize her fears that Isaac will abandon her for fear that he will assume that she is a sinner for having warring twins in her womb (as posited by the Maharal - Rabbi Yehudah Loewe of 16th-century Prague). Instead, she later conspires to steal Esau's birthright and give it to Jacob. From the moment Rebecca finds out about what is growing in her womb, and decides not to tell Isaac, her relationship with her husband becomes one of deceit.

Isaac's favorite son is Esau. Rebecca's favorite son is Jacob. What if Rebecca, who was brought to Isaac when she was three years old, was able to say that she had to be honest with her husband and tell him what God had told her, but was afraid to because she had fears of abandonment?

 We know Isaac's history. Isaac saw firsthand how his father Abraham abandoned Hagar and his half-brother Ishmael, and he saw how Abraham was ready to take Isaac's life. If Rebecca was living in a society that allowed her to voice her fears, do we think tender Isaac would have scoffed at her and rejected her?

Jacob and Esau were contenders at birth, each with different needs and personalities. Jacob spent time in tents (Gen. 25:27), which the Midrash interprets as schools. Esau loved hunting. Jacob, their father, loved Esau because Esau brought Isaac fresh "game for his mouth, but Rebecca loved Jacob" (Gen. 25:28).

According to the Torah, Jacob was preparing a red lentil stew when Esau came in from the field. The famished Esau demanded that Jacob give him some of the stew. Jacob agreed under the provision that Esau would sell Jacob his birthright. Esau agreed, as he thought he was "going to die" (Gen. 25:32). The Talmud in Tractate Bava Batra 16B says that Jacob's stew was a shiva meal to comfort his father Isaac who had just buried Abraham. Ramban (Nachmanides of 13th-century Spain) says that Esau thought his life was almost over because of a hunting accident that day. The two brothers did not communicate well. Isaac wanted nothing to do with Esau's hunting. Esau wanted nothing to do with Isaac's studying. If they spoke assertively to each other about their likes and dislikes, as well as their strengths and weaknesses, an arrangement might have been reached. Two of Jacob's sons reached such an agreement years later. Zebulun agreed to be a merchant seaman, allowing Issachar to remain home and study.

Does it not seem reasonable that Jacob could have accepted the spiritual birthright of Isaac, while Esau accepted the material birthright? Could not a sharing have taken place? The Torah paints Esau literally red and calls him Edom (red in Hebrew). The sages paint Esau bloody red and say he is pure evil. But the Torah does not say this. Isaac loved Esau. Could Esau have been all that bad? Was Isaac, the son of Abraham, such a glutton that he would overlook evil in his own tent just for a taste of meat? Of course not. Hence we have another situation where two people did not express their needs to each other, and instead of relating to each other as people, they related to each other as objects.

Some time later, Isaac has dealings with the Philistine king, Abimelech. This is the same king with whom Abraham made a treaty by which Abraham was given permission to dig wells in Philistia. Isaac goes to Philistia, as there is a famine in Canaan. During this time, Isaac became "great and kept becoming greater until he was very great" (Gen. 26:13). "The Philistines envied him" (Gen. 26:14). Instead of the Philistines discussing their concerns with Isaac, they aggressively clog up the wells. Isaac digs two new wells, but the Philistines protest and say, "the water is ours" (Gen. 26:20). Isaac names these two wells "contention" (Esek) and "enmity" (Sitnah). Isaac digs a third well, which they do not contest. Isaac calls this well "Rehoboth" (Gen. 26:22). Rehoboth means "spaciousness."

Both Isaac and Abimelech are powerful men, yet they toy with each other like children in a kindergarten sandbox. If Abimelech had said to Isaac that he was envious of Isaac's wealth and wanted to learn Isaac's herding secrets, would Isaac not have shared them with Abimelech? If Abraham was able to work out a treaty with Abimelech, couldn't Isaac have done so also? Here is a case of two more people with an it-it relationship. Abimelech sees Isaac only as a potential commercial threat. Isaac sees Abimelech only as a landowner that he will use until the famine in Canaan is ended. Both of their tribes could have worked out a mutually beneficial commercial agreement, just as the descendents of Isaac, the children of Israel, will hopefully soon be able to work out with the nominal descendents of the Philistines.

The parasha's denouement comes with Rebecca's scheme to deceive her husband, Isaac, and steal from Esau. Again, instead of having an honest talk with her husband about her needs, she plots for Jacob to dress up as Esau and steal Esau's blessing from the blinded Isaac. The ruse works, but only for a few moments. Esau and Isaac uncover the plot too late. Esau swears that he will kill Jacob (Gen. 27:41). Jacob escapes to his uncle Laban's home. Years of two brothers and two spouses not being able to talk, share, or express their needs, boils over into an ugly scene. The ramifications are enormous.

As we will read in the next parasha, Laban also treats Jacob like an object. He tricks Jacob into marrying Leah although Jacob wants Rachel. Years later, Jacob favors Rachel's son Joseph over Leah's sons, who are older than Joseph. What happens? Joseph is sold into slavery in Egypt. Jacob and his other sons travel to Egypt and stay there because Joseph is Viceroy. Within a generation or so, the Children of Jacob become slaves in Egypt. The Talmud says this is why we say at Passover that an "Aramean (Laban) sought to kill our father." The rabbis blame Laban for the switching of his daughters. They blame Laban for the aftermath of Joseph becoming the favorite son, causing the eventual slavery in Egypt.

I posit that the blame goes back further. If Rebecca lived in an atmosphere were she felt she could express her need to reassure her bond with Isaac, she could have spoken with Isaac honestly. She could have told Isaac that God told her about the warring twins in her womb, without Isaac abandoning her. They would have been able, as communicating parents, to raise Jacob and Esau in such a way that would meet both sons' needs. If they were loving brothers, able to feel love equally from each parent, Jacob would have been glad to offer Esau some lunch without the fee of the birthright. Esau would have acknowledged his skills and weaknesses, and accepted Isaac as the spiritual leader. Isaac could have accepted Esau as the commercial leader. There would have been no need to for Jacob to steal Esau's blessing. There would have been no need for Jacob to run to uncle Laban. There would have been no need for Jacob and his sons to go down to Egypt where they end up as slaves. Jacob's descendants and the Philistines' possible descendants, who are called Palestinians, could have lived together in peace in the Middle East, and not be taking up so much headline space today. But as the Yiddish saying teaches: "if my bubbie had a moustache, she would be my zadie."

Too many vulnerable Jews in too many places around the world hesitate to look to their temples for assistance in their hour of need. Resolutions and statements cannot change this reality. Only action can. Every one of us is vulnerable at one time or another. Every one of us will have an hour of need. We are supposed to emulate God. God clothed Adam and Eve when they were naked. He consoled Hagar, Sarah, and so many others. He fed the Israelites manna and quail in the wilderness of Sinai. He buried Moses.

Abraham performs acts of loving kindness continually. He never said that his nephew Lot was "needy." Abraham even interrupted his conversation with God Almighty to "run" in the "heat of the day" to take care of the needs of three strangers. He did not even let the pain from his recent circumcision slow him. When we call somebody needy we are really saying that we are too involved with our own lives to take the time to tend to this person's needs. It is easy to help someone with a simple need that we can handle with a quick phone call. Afterward, we can feel so self-important that we did a mitzvah. But the real mitzvah is developing an I-Thou relationship with someone in need. It is easy to do good deeds for strangers. There is no emotional expense involved. It is having a temporary, I-it relationship. It is only a step away from checkbook Judaism.

Martin Buber discussed his theory of relationships in his book I-Thou. I-Thou relationships are mutual relationships of love and caring. It is the type of relationship that we should strive for with God and with loved ones. Buber acknowledges that most people have to struggle to master I-Thou relationships with spouses and family members. Most of the world relates to each other as objects, which Buber calls I-It relationships. New writers have called these Win-Lose relationships while I-Thou relations have been called Win-Win. In transactional therapeutic terms an I-Thou relationship is defined as Adult-Adult or "I'm Ok. You're Ok."

Stanford University psychiatrist Dr. David Spiegel has done research on the difference that sincere social support can make when living with illness. Dr. Spiegel created psychosocial support groups for women with metastatic breast cancer. All of the women eventually died, as their cancers were aggressive. But the women who had attended the support groups lived twice as long as the women who did not attend the groups. Caring I-Thou relationships can save lives.

Each Shabbat, we pray to God to give us, or someone we know, "healing of body and renewal of spirit." We know that God helps those that help themselves. We have the power in our Temples to transform people's wellbeing. Studies have shown how frequent attendance at religious services, where there is true fellowship, is linked to greater health in people with diseases ranging from cardiovascular problems to cancers. Another study showed that true Spirituality has reduced high blood pressure, even in men who smoke cigarettes.

In his book, The Relaxation Response, Dr. Herbert Benson determines that meditation evokes a state of relaxation in the body. It affects respiration, heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension and brain function. Other studies have shown that meditation in a group is more effective that meditation alone. Other studies have shown that communal prayer, with what we call kavenah (concentrated attention) in Judaism, produces a similar effect. All of these studies also show that individuals in these groups must relate to each other openly and lovingly. If there is no sense of security, one cannot achieve the relaxation response in meditation, or kavenah in prayer.

Psychiatrist Victor Frankel writes about the importance of meaning in our lives. Other philosophers write about how connections in our lives give it meaning. When we feel connected to the Godhead, in a state of spirituality, we do not feel alone. When we feel connected to a group, like fellow congregants in our temples, we achieve an enhanced ability to cope and to heal. Wellness can be maintained when one feels connected to something larger that oneself writes Rabbi Amy Eilberg, whose ideas are sprinkled throughout this D'var Torah. When we feel connected to a loving community, to truth, to history, and to God, our needs and fears seem smaller.

Religion may act as a placebo but we should not negate the power of a placebo or the power of the mind to heal. Dr. Kevin Pauza and others have shown that merely believing a treatment will work helps alleviate an array of symptoms. Patients with back pain were told they needed back surgery. Half had the surgery under anesthesia. The other half, were anesthetized, but just had the incision made in their back and did not have the surgery. Yet both groups were told they did have the back surgery. Thirty percent of the patients who had the placebo surgery got better. Our convictions that we are connected to Jewish people presently and throughout history really may strengthen us.

Judaism presently has a rich armamentarium of resources to strengthen our spirit when life brings us challenges. The soothing words of the Psalms are an excellent example. Rituals such as Tashlich (casting our sins upon the water in the form of bread on Rosh Hashanah), Shabbat candle lighting, and doing mitzvah are ways that we can symbolically cast away unhealthy habits, look for sources of light and hope, and help those that have needs greater than ours. The sages knew that visiting the ill (bikur cholem) can make a difference in another's experience of illness. But the sages said that the visitor brings his own experiences to the ill person. The visitor has to open up and bring his own hopes and fears, as well as 100 percent of his capacity for love and compassion in order to make a difference.

Many congregations presently have healing services. Some actively visit people in hospitals. One congregation, Beth Shalom in San Francisco, adopted a local hospital and sends volunteers regularly. But our temples can do much more. We can actually prevent illness. In their book, Successful Aging, Drs. John Rowe and Robert Kahn state that socially connected people live longer and are sick less often. They say that connections mean sincere I-Thou relationships. People without strong connections to groups, such as synagogues, were four to six times more apt to die, regardless of race, wealth, activity or healthcare. True love helps prevent pain and illness. People who said they did not get displays of affection from their friends were 20 times more likely to develop chest pain than those people who had friends that demonstrated affection and caring.

"All Israel is responsible for one another," the rabbis teach. As this Torah portion's title suggests, we are all God's offspring (toledot). We are all family. All of us have needs. Expressing these needs and having others listen to them is healthy for both the listener and the speaker. It reminds us that we are connected. It gives us all a chance to do mitzvoth to help each other and reminds us that we are part of a community that will help us when our time of need arrives. Disregarding someone in his or her time of need is something we cannot imagine Abraham doing. It is a core value of Judaism to help those in need. Some of these needs seem enormous, others much smaller. None of us is immune to having needs. The aim of our religion and our temples is to allow people to expand their relationships and grow emotionally and spiritually. Our synagogues can be true sanctuaries from life's travails.

This Haftarah is from the Book of Malachi. A few verses after this portion, the prophet writes: "Have we all not one father? Hath not one God created us all? Why do we deal treacherously every man against his brother, profaning the covenant of our fathers?" (Mal. 2:10). Certainly our congregations are far from being the kind of place that Malachi describes. We are blessed to have caring and compassionate congregations all over the world. We are blessed to have rabbis leading us down a righteous path. If yours is lacking, lead the way. The Mishna tells us, that "in a place where there are no leaders, be a leader." Let us strive to continue this good work and even do better. As we do Tikkun Olam (repair of the world), we will hopefully come to the day, as Malachi says (3:12), when "all nations shall call us happy for we shall be a delightful land."

Shabbat Shalom:

Rabbi Arthur Segal
Hebrew College, Newton Centre, MA, USA
Via Shamash Org on-line class service
Jewish Renewal
Jewish Spiritual Renewal
Hilton Head Island, SC;Bluffton, SC, Savannah, GA
 

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