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So in keeping with the Talmudic edict of it being the month of Adar and our joy should increase, some Purim speiling should be in order, or disorder, as the case may be. If I haven't offended at least everyone by the time this online class is over, I haven't done my job. If I have offended you and made you laugh, in the words of Jewish Comedienne Belle Barth, OBM, please tell your friends.
But in testimony before Congress, he refused to categorize waterboarding as treif, acknowledging that his first wife, a former educator at the Ramaz School on the Upper East Side, sometimes employed the practice on her young charges.
"You know how those kids can be," he said, "so if they were acting up before Passover, for example, she would dip their hands twice, once in salt water and once in charoset, and make them listen to the Miami Boys Choir at a very high volume.
"I know that sounds inhumane," he added, "but these were difficult times. And I was in a mixed marriage. Me being a chronic Sabbath breaker and she being so darn frum."
Corva told the lawmakers that he was exploring a compromise to the waterboarding controversy, negotiating with kashrut experts to see if potential terrorists could be made to drink water that was considered unkosher because it contained tiny, harmless crustaceans.
"Sometimes you just have to hold your nose," Corva said. ''I did this when I was a pulpit rabbi.''
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A Recession Kind of Purim
by Rachel Tepper
NY Jewish Week
And it came to pass there was a king of Persia was named Achashverosh, and he sat on his throne in Shushan the capitol. One day, he decided to throw a great feast for all its inhabitants to attend.
King Achashverosh: I'm gonna throw the biggest bash this town has ever seen!
Vashti: Aren't we in a recession?
KA: The biggest! The bestest! The greatest gosh darn hootenanny this side of the Euphrates!
And true to his word, King Achashverosh spared no expense in delivering the most lavish party Shushan had ever seen. The plates were gold. The goblets were gold. Even the party favors were gold.
Guest #1: That's the strangest piñata I've ever seen…
KA: It's good to be the king.
His queen, Vashti, was less than amused by her
husband's extravagance. She knew times were tough for working class Shushaners, and wasteful spending was hardly a message to send the people.
KA: Vashti, c'mon baby. Get out here and do a little dance! And then I'd like to treat everyone to a swim in my pool full of money!
Everyone: Hoorah!
Vashti: Are you insane? No way, José. You best take note—there won't be much money left unless you mend your ways. Think about the deficit!
KA: The only deficit here should be you!
And with that, King Achashverosh sent Vashti away. However, it wasn't long before he realized that not only was he lonely, but Vashti may have been right after all. His advisor, the wicked Haman, had allowed for much irresponsible spending and many Shushaners feared they would lose their jobs. Without knowing where to turn, the king arranged for a beauty contest to find his next wife. This time, without a piñata made of gold.
KA: Which one is that, right there? The beautiful one!
Advisor #1: That's Esther, my liege. She's young, beautiful and brainy. And she's debt free.
KA: I'll take her!
King Achashverosh chose Esther for his Queen. But Esther concealed something from her new husband; she was a Jew. And she felt strongly about responsible fiscal policy. But her cousin, Mordechai encouraged her to this a secret.
Esther: I dunno about this Queen thing; I'm not sure it's such a good idea.
Mordechai: In this economy, not everyone has job security. This seems like a good gig, and I'm pretty sure you get healthcare.
One day, Mordechai overheard two guards talking in the palace yard; they were plotting against King Achashverosh.
Guard #1: I heard they're going to lay some of us off. Something about the treasury being cleaned out…after they bailed out the chariot industry!
Guard #2: That's ridiculous! I say we do something about it! We should go after Achashverosh.
Mordechai understood the trials of everyday working folk, but he knew violence was never the answer. He alerted King Achashverosh, and the rogue guards were apprehended. Mordechai's service was recorded in the official royal register. Not long after, Mordechai passed the king's advisor, Haman in the street outside the palace.
Haman: Hello there, Jew. Bow down to me!
Mordechai: I can bow to no one but God. And certainly not someone who so blatantly gives free hand outs to hotshot Oil Lamp Execs and ignores the people on Mainstreet.
Haman, enraged, went immediately to King Achashverosh. He demanded that not only should Mordechai be punished, but the entire Jewish community as well.
Haman: This whole economy bust thing is the Jews' fault! They should be made to pay for all the damage they've done.
The King, not knowing that his new bride was herself a Jew, acquiesced. Haman rejoiced, and began building a gallows. However, King Achashverosh was unable to sleep that night. His kingdom was falling apart— the palace budget was in shambles and everywhere people were feeling the effects. Even donkeys were having trouble finding work. To help calm his mind, he began reading the royal register, where he learned of Mordechai's service.
KA: It says here that this man saved my life—and that he's suggesting something called the Shushan Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 400 BCE? This Mordechai guy might be on to something…he must be honored!
The next day, the king went to Haman and asked his advice.
KA: Haman, how shall I honor the man who saved my life and possibly the economy of Shushan?
Haman: Why, you should parade him around town and give him shiny doodads. And, um, give him a personal tax cut. You mean me, right?
But to Haman's shock and anger, King Achashverosh demanded that it was not he, but Mordechai who should be honored. He arranged for a banquet to be held in Mordechai's honor.
Esther: Oh King honey? I have to tell you something. This guy you're honoring—he's my cousin. Yep, that means I'm a Jew. And there's something we've been meaning to tell you: your advisor Haman is the one running the economy into the ground. You've got to get rid of him and start listening to people who want what's best for the people of Shushan and aren't guided by the interests of the wealthy few.
The King realized that Esther's words were true. With that, he ordered that Haman, not Mordechai , be hanged on the gallows. In Haman's post, he installed Mordechai to be his new advisor. Things began looking up in Shushan; slowly but surely, people started finding work and saving money. Shushan once again became a great a prosperous nation, all thanks to some common sense and responsible fiscal planning. Change had finally come.
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More NY Jewish Week: Obama Taps Medoff As Ponzi Czar To Stimulate U..S. Economy
Much-maligned Medoff: Anxious for a chance to show his monetary moxie.
Disgraced investor will operate from apartment; announces sale of Brooklyn Bridge.
Washington – In a surprising and controversial move, President Barack Obama has tapped disgraced financial investor Bernard Medoff to be the country's first Ponzi Czar, insisting the move would "goose the economy and really shake things up around here."
The president said that "since no other plans to stimulate the economy are working, and since Medoff investments yielded steadily impressive returns for years, we are going to give him a chance to redeem himself."
Medoff reportedly has a number of creative plans set to put in motion, starting with selling the Brooklyn Bridge.
"It's a real bargain, and stretches all the way from Manhattan to Brooklyn and back- again, which naturally doubles the price," he said. "I want to see who is willing to buy it, and then be sure to do business with him."
The former financial wiz, recently honored by the Standard and (very) Poor Index, is scheduled to announce an elaborate proposal that would have investors from around the world deposit large sums with him, which he in turn would invest in "sure-thing enterprises," he said. Those include a company selling mezuzahs in Gaza, a real estate firm planning to build luxury apartments in downtown Detroit, and an entrepreneur selling bow-ties on Israeli kibbutzim.
Medoff will operate out of his Manhattan penthouse apartment, where he is confined while awaiting trial for allegedly bilking individuals and charitable foundations out of up to $50 billion.
Officials say his ankle bracelet will be extended as far as Wall Street to allow him to meet with former bankers there. "These meetings are eagerly anticipated," an official said, "because Bernie wants access to funds, and the bankers want to learn more about hiring top lawyers to defend themselves should the need arise."
Meanwhile, Medoff pleaded not guilty at a grand jury hearing today regarding his alleged Ponzi scheme, claiming he is a victim, not a criminal.
"Just listen to how everyone makes puns with my name," Medoff testified. "Bernie Made-off with the money. Bernie Made-off with $50 billion. Bernie Made-off like a bandit. I am clearly the victim of a cruel and unfunny Punzi scheme."
When a prosecutor commented that Medoff bore a slight resemblance to Henry Winkler from Happy Days, Medoff shouted, "Aha! A Fonzie scheme, too!"
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Since 1946 at the University of Chicago, keeping with the Purim tradition, but doing it around Thanksgiving, academics from all over debate Latkes v Hamantashen at various major universities. Only one year has been skipped since this event started.
- Hanna Gray discusses the silence of Machiavelli on the subject; noting that "The silence of a wise man is always meaningful", she comes to the conclusion that Machiavelli was Jewish, and like all wise people, for the latke.
- Isaac Abella , professor of physics, asserts that "Which is Better: the Latke or the Hamantash?" is an invalid question, since it does not exhibit the necessary property of universality, is culturally biased, implies gender specificity, exhibits geographical chauvinism and appeals to special interests.
- Michael Silverstein, professor in anthropology, linguistics, and psychology, argues that it is not mere coincidence that the English translation of the letters on the dreidl spells out T-U-M-S. He cites this as evidence that "God may play dice with the universe, but not with Mrs. Schmalowitz's lukshn kugl, nor especially with her latkes and homntashen."
- Professor Wendy Doniger of the divinity school, in a carefully footnoted paper entitled "The Archetypal Hamentasch: A Feminist Mythology", asserts that hamentaschen are a womb equivalent, and were worshipped in early matriarchal societies.
- In the debate at MIT , Robert J. Silbey, dean of its School of Science, has cited Google, which returns 380,000 hits on a search for "latke" and only 62,000 for "hamantaschen". Silbey has also claimed that latkes, not hamentashen, are the dark matter thought to make up over 21 percent of the mass of the universe.
- Allan Bloom posited a conspiracy theory involving Sigmund Freud and the Manischewitz company.
- According to literature professor Diana Henderson , "The latke is appropriate for lyric, tragic, and epic forms", but "There is very little poetry in the prune," a common hamentashen filling.
- The physicist Leon Lederman 's contribution is entitled "Paired Matter, Edible and Inedible".
- An entry by the economist Milton Friedman discusses "The Latke and the Hamantash at the Fifty-Yard Line".
- Criminal lawyer Professor Alan Dershowitz , during a debate at Harvard University, accused the latke of increasing the United States' dependence on oil.
- When he was President of Princeton University, Harold Tafler Shapiro argued the hamentaschen's superiority by pointing out the epicurean significance of the "edible triangle" in light of the literary "Oedipal triangle."
Hanna Gray has stated for the record that "both the latke and hamentasch are simply wonderful. We welcome them to our diverse, pluralistic and tolerant community of scholars." She has, however, taken a stand with her statement that "Renaissance humanism grew out of the revival of the latke."
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Last bit of Talmud Bavli Tractate Sanhedrin 98a: Esther was as ''karka olam'', as ''passive as a field being plowed'', to absolve her of her quite obvious voluntary sex with a gentile king. The rabbis explain that this is called a "sin for the sake of heaven". When people sin, they do it in order to derive some personal benefit. In this case, Esther sinned, but not for her own benefit, but for the benefit of the entire Jewish nation, they teach.
So why did the nice Jewish girl not choose to be a martyr rather than part of the kings harem. She certainly was taught by the rabbis that the first Temple was destroyed because of idol worship and sexual promiscuity.
Are the rabbis of the Talmud embarrassed or even shocked? No. The rabbis are not even ambiguous morally. There is national catastrophe. Persia rules the known world, and every Jew would be killed.
Esther's sexual prowess, even if the rabbis say she lay there passively, [ which reminds me of Woody Allen is the 1960's saying that his ex-wife , Harlene Rosen, sued him because of a joke he made in an interview. Rosen had been sexually assaulted outside her apartment, and according to Allen, the newspapers reported that she "had been violated." In the interview, Allen said, "Knowing my ex-wife, it probably wasn't a moving violation") , which the king really must have enjoyed, is swept aside, with the plowing remark.
But it was an act, and from the story, a repeated act, of Jewish survival. And while Cyrus allowed those who wished to return to rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem, the Talmud says, that this Purim event, stopped the building, and it was Esther's son that she bore with the king, (Darius the Persian), who allowed the construction to continue.
The rabbis give us a firm lesson of " one does not examine blemishes on a cloudy day." [Talmud Bavli Tractate Nega'im 2:2.] We just cannot judge others, especially in odd times, (and all times are odd), on what may appear to be 'non-Jewish conduct.'
Some trivia: Talmud Bavli Tractate Gitten 57b says Haman's descendents converted to Judaism and studied Torah at the Talmudic academy at B'nai Brak. We cannot even give up on loving our enemies.
We cannot reject anyone our rabbis warn us 'for there is no person who has not his hour,' (Talmud Bavli Tractate Pirkei Avot 4:3), meaning all of us mess up. Esther orders Mordechai to ''gather all of the Jews,'' not just some of us, but 'all.' (Es. 4:16).
A bit more of Trivia. You all know Esther's Hebrew name is Hadassah, meaning myrtle. What is Mordechai's Hebrew name? Petahyah ben Jair, from the tribe of Benjamin. Petahyah, in The Zohar, is the chief angel in charge of the northernly region of Heaven, "appointed over that side to which prayers offered for deliverance from enemies ascend." If such prayers are found worthy, "Petahyah kisses them." ''Petahyah is Mordechai'' (Talmud Bavli Tractate Shekelim 5:1).
OK. That's all. That's the way the Hamantashen crumble.
Happy Purim and Shabbat Shalom or Shavuah Tov depending when you are reading this.
Rabbi Arthur SegalVia Shamash Org on-line class service
Jewish Renewal
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